i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
