I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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