It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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