I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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