had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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