I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
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