Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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