And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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