fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
