i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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