I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
