i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so let's talk penis.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
