i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
