a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
