Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
