captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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