I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
