Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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