I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
