If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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