my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
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