i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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