I feel like abortions should bother me more
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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