i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
