If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
