FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He called his prostate his "boner button".
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
