If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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