mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
