if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Randomize
