So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
