You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
