Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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