that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
