Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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