Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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