well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
