Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
