I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
