she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
