I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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