he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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