proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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