He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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