Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
This is my life. Enjoy the view
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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