I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
