I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
