Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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