now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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