I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
