xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Randomize
