Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
