shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
is wine microwaveable?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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