Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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