i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
