Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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