Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
