Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
