Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
