there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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