sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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